Welcome in, friend. Gather close and make yourself comfortable.
February 29th, 2024?? Something about that date makes me want to watch Zenon and see how accurately it predicted the 2020s. A true trip for my eyes to behold.
It’s been a week as you’ll soon see. I’ve been on an unexpected emotional rollercoaster. It hasn’t been easy, but it has also been rich. In practice. In knowing. In life. I’m finding you today with a raw, tender, and weirdly hopeful heart—something I feel really proud of considering the circumstances.
Let’s get into it.
Settle in, take a deep breath, and get ready to pause in 3…2…1…
I got hit with some unexpected news on Friday. It was unpleasant in nature—the kind of thing that makes you want to throw up and cry at the same time. My reaction was visceral, tears squirting from my eyes like a deranged faucet I’d never asked to be turned on before I even really had a chance to process what had happened.
So much of my time since August has been about recovery. I’ve been on a track I’m proud of. One that hasn’t been quick or easy, but rather slow and effortful in practice. It feels well worth the commitment given how I’ve been able to reconnect with myself. The security I feel about my relationship with myself has grown deep. It’s grounded. Spiritual, even. The past two months in particular have felt like a rebirth. A breath of fresh air. A spring for my soul to bloom in.
Since receiving the news on Friday, I’ve experienced a full spectrum of emotions. Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Disgust. I’ve explored and engaged with these emotions as they’ve presented themselves, sometimes toeing the line between feeling my feelings and indulging them. But—and this is a big but—I’ve also experienced something new in my processing. Something just as unexpected.
Since Friday, I’ve been nurturing and taking care of myself the way I would take care of my daughter if she was going through it. No self-blame. No push to suppress things for the sake of others. Just pure, fierce, unwavering love.
Historically, I haven’t always chosen to take care of myself in these ways. My coping strategies when something emotionally trying and unexpected came up involved a lot of self-harm disguised as self-care. Binge-watching TV and YouTube videos. Taking edibles every night for months on end. Eating the pain away. Drinking the pain away. Disengaging from life and the people I love to go at my hardships alone.
I have been so proud of myself this past week. Yes, I’ve been feeling the feelings, but I’ve also been persistent in my pursuit of joy. I’ve been allowing myself to process without getting swept out to sea by my emotional undertow. I’ve been practicing acceptance. Taking care of my body. Going for long walks on the beach with Rufus and taking my shoes off to wade in the Bay. I’ve been journaling. Reading. Crying. I’ve been letting people into my pain.
I’m experiencing blooming through the emotionally trying and unexpected. Blooming because of the emotionally trying and unexpected.
Yes, I am hurting. Yes, the world is straight-up confusing sometimes. But just because those things are true doesn’t mean I can’t also experience a life full of joy, love, and contentment at the same time.
I can be sad about the hurts and systemic injustices that have affected my life, and I can also feel gratitude that I have more than enough love in my life to get me through this. Love from my people. Love from my daughter. Love from myself.
Turns out, I’ve evolved into a person who won’t let the emotionally trying and unexpected keep her down anymore. Who cries and still feels joy. Who allows herself to acknowledge the unfairness of a system stacked against integrity and still chooses to see the good in people and life anyway.
I’ve become sure of myself and my ability to remain balanced regardless of what seemingly upside-down life circumstances are thrown my way—an unexpected benefit from committing to recovery in August. I know I have my own back and I trust deep down that I’m not going to pause taking care of myself when life gets hard. I am here. Fully open to the present. Open-eyed and prepared to face the emotionally trying and unexpected moments in life.
I’m learning that the hard times are practice. It’s when the reps of self-investment have a chance to shine. I’m grateful for the test. For the opportunity to experience my growth firsthand. I wouldn’t have known before Friday that I was feeling this way, but now I do. What a gift. An emotionally trying and unexpected gift.
⏸ Pause
How do you approach life moments that are unexpected and emotionally trying?
^^Substack has a new feature where you can privately message me instead of publicly commenting on the post. Love the idea of making this a conversation so I’m giving it a go.
Take care of yourself. I’ll forever be grateful for you and this space.
With love today and every day,
L/Booch
P.S. It’s been this on repeat since Friday.
Do you love me? Do you trust me?
Can I trust you? Don't judge me
I'ma die hard, it gets ugly
Too passionate, it gets ugly
(Mmh, mmh, ah-ah) I wonder where I lost my way
(Mmh, mmh, ah-ah) been waiting on your call all dayTell me you in my corner right now
When I fall short, I'm leaning on you to cry out
We all got enough to lie about
My truth too complicated to hide now
Can I open up? Is it safe or not?
I'm afraid a little, you relate or not?
Have faith a little, I might take my time
Ain't no saving face this timeI hope I'm not too late to set my demons straight
I know I made you wait, but how much can you take?
I hope you see the god in me, I hope you can see
And if it's up, stay down for me, yeahShimmy, shimmy, coco puff
Serafina, flame in us
Where I'd be without your love?
Rest your wing and trust, I feel you
Deep (I know you feel), deep (know you feel)
Deep (I know you feel), deep (too deep)
Deep (I know you feel), deep (know you feel)
Deep (I know you feel), deepI got some regrets
But my past won't keep me from my best
Subtle mistakes felt like life or death
I wanna see the family stronger, I wanna see the money longer
You know that I'd die for you
I get emotional about life
The lost ones keeping me up at night
The world be reminding me its danger
I still risk it all for a stranger
If I told you who I am, would you use it against me?
Right or wrong, no stone, just love to send meI hope I'm not too late to set my demons straight
I know I made you wait, but how much can you take?
I hope you see the god in me, I hope you can see
And if it's up, stay down for me, yeahBaby, you make me, pray for London
Yeah, 'cause if I want it all without you involved
I guess it's all for nothing
🤍
Hugs friend! I’ve been struggling mentally and I may not feel the same way like you but I’m here if you need anything! Beautifully worded! ❤️