Welcome to The Pause, dear friend. Come on in and make yourself comfortable.
You know when life has been so full and vibrant that the quiet moments feel luxurious? I’m in one of those spaces — filled to the brim with love from the holiday break and sitting back to soak in it.
You’d think with this feeling I’d want to talk about something lovey-lovey and bright, but today I’d rather take a moment to reflect on the relationship with my negative emotions and provide you an opportunity to do the same (I know it sounds kinda hairy, but I think we’ll feel good once we’re through it).
Settle in, take a deep breath, and get ready to pause in 3…2…1…
👹 Those Negative Feelings
The older I get, the more secure I am about allowing myself to feel how I feel. Anger. Frustration. Disappointment. Sadness. Disrespect. Hurt. I have started to create a relationship with them that feels mature. Occasionally, it even feels kind.
I used to suppress these emotions to my own detriment—avoiding them at all costs for fear of what feeling them would mean about me. If I felt angry, clearly I was being dramatic. Frustration? Impatient. Disappointment? Ungrateful. Sadness? A negative Nancy. Disrespected? High maintenance. Hurt? (my least favorite) Sensitive.
As far as I was concerned, these emotions weren’t supposed to exist in me or any of my relationships, so I committed to covering them up with, Oh no - I’m fine! It’s fine! No worries!, even though I was in fact worried and usually also, pissed off. My emotions got so compounded and compressed on the inside that they no longer had anywhere to go but out in passive-aggressive sighs. Avoided eye-contact. Stonewalling. Lashing out. It’s like they were caged wild animals trying to grab at anyone who dared to come near.
It’s taken a lot of therapy to make peace with why I felt the need to process my “negative” emotions in this way (a nice mix of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and fear of being made fun of for being sensitive). And with this knowledge has come a softening that has allowed me to finally relate to these emotions in a different way—a healthier way—one that mutually benefits me and the people around me.
An obvious but important-to-state caveat: I’m not perfect. I still get my passive-aggressive on to my own detriment sometimes. But the main difference now is I can see myself doing it. I’ve learned to acknowledge the physical fight between my mind and body attempting change. On good days, I give myself credit for this. On harder days, I get frustrated for not “getting it” yet. Regardless, I do my best to pick myself up, apologize (not for feeling how I felt but for expressing that feeling in a passive way), and keep it moving.
Most everyone I talk to is doing their best to evolve their relationship with their negative emotions and I think today it’d be nice for us to pause and appreciate that. Even if you don’t have it down—even if you haven’t “got” it yet—every day you show up and practice relating to your negative emotions in a healthier way is hard-earned work and that’s something to be really proud of. You aren’t always perfect. You do have trauma. And you’re still out here doing the work to make a change.
Congratulations on that effort no matter where you are in your journey. I see you and respect you for it, and I hope you do, too.
⏸ Pause & Reconnect
**Get curious. Have fun. There are no right or wrong answers; just what’s true for you.**
How has your relationship with your negative emotions evolved over the past five years?
What are you most proud of in how you handle negative emotions nowadays?
Appreciate you for being here with me. Enjoy your next few weeks and feel it all regardless of how hectic it’s going to be.
Until next time. 🖤
~ L