Welcome to The Pause, dear friend. Come on in and make yourself comfortable.
I can’t believe I’m sending you this and it’s really the middle of February already, but alas, here we are.
Today we’re going to jump right in and talk about big life decisions that are hard to decide on.
Settle in, take a deep breath, and get ready to pause in 3…2…1…
🤔 Indecisive Decisions
Kev and I are in the process of deciding whether we’d like to try for a second kid.
Depending on the day, I feel differently about it.
On a good day? Absolutely. We can do this. I trust our abilities to make the transition for us and Jazzy. I love the idea of a second kid.
On a bad day? Absolutely not. Having another child is a terrible idea. Why were we ever considering it in the first place?
Sometimes it feels like contemplating what’s “right” for us and our family is a part-time job (including but not limited to: ad nauseam in-depth self-contemplation and hours of scouring Reddit for a Hallelujah, stranger on the internet - you know exactly what I need to do! answer that—unsurprisingly—never appears).
I have talked to anyone and everyone with kids who will entertain my desperate attempt to find The Answer.
How did you decide to have more than one? What was that transition like? Do you ever regret it? How did your first adjust to having to share you? Did you ever feel guilty for missing out on your first child’s life? What do you miss about having one child vs. two?
I suck up this information like a Dyson vacuum, let it marinate in my mind, and come to a decision, only to Hold-up, I don’t think I’m ready to make this decision all over again.
For someone who is as introspective as I am, I find myself at a loss of how to interpret my indecisiveness around this decision.
Am I obsessing over information because secretly, deep down, I know I only want one, but am scared I’ll regret not trying for a second later in life?
Am I looking for certainty that my second post-partum experience will be far less traumatic than my first?
Am I seeking reassurance from someone to just say, “Lindsey, it will be ok. You will be ok. Jasmine will be ok. Kevin will be ok,” even though I might not actually believe them?
No matter how long I sit with this decision. No matter how many people I talk to. No matter how many internet searches and OpenAI prompts I try, there is still not a clear answer for me, and I’m starting to accept that that just might be ok.
I’d really love for this to be an easy, crystal-clear decision. I’d love to know with such conviction in my heart what feels like “the right” answer for me and my family. But because of real life — that complicated murky swamp filled with past traumas and logistical life concerns — it’s not and I don’t, and perhaps, it’s actually good for me to breathe into that indecisiveness instead of trying to rush it along.
Today, I don’t want to do anything but give space to those decisions we seem to be indecisive on. Not to judge them. Or rush ourselves on them. But just to acknowledge them. To see them. To appreciate them and value them, regardless of how sane-stretching they can sometimes be.
⏸ Pause & Reconnect
What’s a life decision that you’re indecisive about?
What’s keeping you from making a decision?
Before you leave here, can you give yourself permission to be indecisive on it without judging yourself? How long can you comfortably give yourself to be indecisive about it?
Thanks for exploring the less-exhilarating parts of life with me. I appreciate you.
Until next time. 🖤
~ L