Welcome to The Pause. Come on in and make yourself comfortable.
I’m going to jump into it as today’s issue is a bit of a confessional that I’m, frankly, nervous to be sharing with you. My hope is it’ll provide a safe space to discuss the not-so-flattering traits we’ve picked up in the past couple of years and maybe even provide an honest moment to heal in, together.
Settle in, take a deep breath, and get ready to pause in 3...2...1...
🌚 Reset
My husband came into our room as I was sitting on the bed staring at the wall last night.
“Are you ok?”
He had caught me in a downward thought spiral - something that has become increasingly familiar over the past two years - and I didn’t know how to answer.
After two years of isolation, lack of normalcy, estranged relationships, postpartum depression, perpetual anxiety, loss of hope, and grief of the life I expected to bring my daughter into, I don’t know that I’m ok.
Over the past couple of years, I have slowly become someone I don’t recognize.
More cynical. Less hopeful. More judgmental. Less joyful. More scared. Less vibrant. More controlling. Less understanding.
I know these changes didn’t happen overnight. I know the tough experiences I’ve had are really real and completely valid. I know many of my feelings are to be expected considering the lack of normalcy, and also.. I straight up feel mentally jacked from this pandemic, and I’m scared I’m not going to be able to build myself back.
It feels scary to say that out loud..
..but strangely liberating, too.
I don’t want to be scared of the world. I don’t want to harshly judge the people I love so dearly on their decisions to get vaccinated or not, to wear masks or not, to live outside of what I’m comfortable with or not. I don’t want to numb myself from feeling any semblance of hope or excitement about the future for fear of getting let down again. I’m fucking tired, y’all. And I don’t think the way I’ve been showing up to life has been helping me.
So here’s my invitation: Let’s take a moment to reset. All of us. Every single one in whatever way is necessary to start feeling like ourselves again. Let’s start pushing ourselves to become more of what we want to become - even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if we feel scared. Even if we try and revert back fifty times. Let’s start being less cynical. More hopeful. Less judgmental. More joyful. Less scared. More vibrant. Less controlling. More understanding. Not because we’re ignoring what’s happened to us, but because we don’t want to allow the difficulties of our lives to keep us heavy and heartbroken.
Let’s take back our souls, people, and together let’s build back the love and hope we so desperately need.
⏸ Pause & Reconnect
**Get curious. Be kind. There are no right or wrong answers; just what’s true for you.**
How have you changed in the past couple of years?
Are there traits you’ve picked up you’d like to reset? If yes, which ones and why?
Thank you for reading. I know for some of you this was your first experience of The Pause - rest assured, not every issue feels this raw or heavy, but every issue is meant to feel human.
I’m sending the tender parts of you some extra love.
Until we meet again. 🖤
- L
P.S. Right before I pressed send my therapist sent me this article. Guess he knew we needed it - divine timing for the win.
I love you cuzzo. This was such a great read. Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing and I love you for it. These past few years have taught me that my circle is getting smaller as I get older - and that's ok. I'm learning to embrace the quality over quantity and let go of the rest. I'm a very social person so for a long time, I spent a lot of energy on others. Learning how to live MYE Life and and really embrace WHO I am has served me so well. I'm a goofball, I'm Mr. Positivity, I'm impulsive, I make mistakes more than I care to admit, I fester on things too long sometimes (better at this now more than ever), I care about my family, I want to provide the best life for my wife and kids as I possibly can, I am ME. This has inspired me to keep doing me and roll with life as it happens. We can't change the past so let's learn from it and move on to be better. Always learning and gaining new experience to make life better. Love you.
How have you changed in the past couple of years?
I've learned to see life (long-term) with more perspective. By that I mean I've come to the realization that life seems to be in "chunks" or "chapters" and that for better or worse, the way it currently is won't be that way for long. It's given me a sense of relief, taken some pressure off of making life perfect or making it all happen at once, and helped me cherish the things I enjoy about the current state.
Are there traits you’ve picked up you’d like to reset? If yes, which ones and why?
I'm oddly becoming more of an introvert/homebody than I once was. I'm wondering if all this time at home has caused me to really feel safest there, that being there is the easiest. That's not a bad thing, necessarily, but I don't want it to infringe on the JOY I get from being out in the world with others. I am an extrovert by nature and my soul needs me to not always stay home, but take some risks and enjoy some adventures! I know there's a perfect middle ground here just waiting to be found.